Saving for the Future

Recently, I have been keeping up with journals and blogs of several families who have either lost children to cancer or are in the middle of battling cancer. Many of these kids won't stand a chance. They go through the pains of treatment (chemo, radiation, bone marrow transplants) only to go into remission and then relapse.

While there is no way to prevent childhood cancer, I have been wondering how I would respond in a situation like this. I'm not going to be the neurotic mother who thinks that her child has every disease known to man. I wouldn't go to the doctor obsessively to get tested for the possibility of cancer. I do think though that I am going to be somewhat proactive.

One particular blog started me thinking about cord blood banking. This little girl was diagnosed with AML, and because she was adopted, her immediate family did not provide an adequate match for her to receive a bone marrow transplant. Because she was adopted from China and her parents were of minority decent, the chances of finding her a match was even slimmer. Even though they did manage to track down her birth parents, it was became impossible to continue the process because she relapsed before they could type her siblings. I know the issue of stem cells are a hot button issue, but in our case it would make a lot of sense. Jeremy and I would have an inter-racial child. If anything were to happen, we would have to rely solely on the generosity of other donors in order to find a match. Even then, the probability would be slim. We discussed the possibility of banking cord blood, and even though it is expensive, it would be something that I'm willing to save up for now. Since we're not planning children anytime soon, we'll have plenty of time to save up money to do this even though payment plans are available. Even if it were never used, we would at least be working in every way to give our kids every advantage we could.

Patience

I suppose this post, rather than about being patient, is more about my growing impatience. I've noticed recently that the littlest things tend to set me off. Things that usually wouldn't faze me because I don't care will now send me into a tizzy that lasts several hours if not several days.

Case in point, I was told about a basketball coach being fired after his team beat out the opponent 100-0. When I first heard about the story, I was under the impression that the other team had girls who were disabled in some way. I was more upset that the game was scheduled if that had been the case. However, as it turns out with some more careful researching, these girls went to a special school because they have learning disabilities. Now, I know there are plenty of pro-athletes with ADHD or dyslexia making their academic lives more difficult. However, just because you have a learning disability does not mean you are incapable of playing sports. I understand the outrage was due to sportmanship, but the girls on the losing team took it in stride and didn't whine about it. Instead the administrators on the winning team now feel like this somehow reflects badly on them.

This is only one of several instances where I've climbed up on my soapbox and ranted and raved, and I'm getting hit from all sides. It's not only news stories that are getting me riled up. I told Jeremy that I was praying for patience and he told me that in doing so, God would really test me and my resolve. So far, I've failed that miserably. I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me and I don't create the rules. I try to take a deep breath when I hear something that I know will irritate me, but so far, the measures I am taking are not working.

I suppose part of the problem is I care about the issues that get me worked up. My sister said these were the things I'm passionate about, but it goes deeper than that. I look around and this isn't the society that I would want my kids to grow up in. More than that, this isn't the place I want any kids to grow up in, but since I don't make the rules up and I can't expect everyone else to change, I can only work on myself. I will have to keep striving to be more patient and have faith that it will eventually happen.

Women and Mothers

It seems to me lately that the subject of womanhood in society and what is expected of the modern woman has come up more and more. While I haven’t felt any pressure on either being a SAHM or a working mom, many people I know have felt this. Jeremy and I have discussed and agreed on how we are going to approach raising kids, but the subject has gotten me thinking.

Growing up, it would have seemed odd for me to encounter a stay at home mom. I’m not saying that none of my friends had parents that stayed home, but I really can’t name any. It just didn’t seem that common at least in my group of friends. Both my parents worked, and sometimes, they worked long hours and on weekends. I don’t ever remember feeling like I didn’t get to spend enough time with them or wishing that one parent didn’t work so they could stay home with us. In fact, we relished the times they were at work because it allowed us to veg out on the couch and watch TV rather than having to do homework or study. The time we did spend together as a family was good quality time doing things together. We went on plenty of vacations and really travelled the world.

Jeremy’s mom stayed home with him while he was growing up. She did all of the things that a mom does on TV. She did the carpool thing, she did the PTA thing, and she probably did the whole milk and cookies thing after school. In Jeremy’s thinking that was the norm, and he wanted that for his kids.

When we started discussing marriage long before we were ready to get married, we came upon the topic of kids. Even though I never really wanted kids, I figured that if we got married, we would eventually have kids. He really wanted one parent to stay at home be it me or him, but he thought that was important to the child’s development. He was fairly adamant about it until he got to know how good outside childcare could be. A friend and former coworker had her child in childcare while both her and her husband worked. He realized that these caretakers were actually teachers that taught and interacted with the children rather than plopping them in from of a TV all day. It was at this point he started coming around.

I know that if we were to have kids, I would in no way ever be able to stay home 24/7 and care for the kids. Being a SAHM is incredibly challenging, and I would say one of the hardest jobs out there and I salute the women who are able to accomplish this. It is not me. For one, I know I don’t have the patience to deal with a child for that long. Yes, the casual observer would think that I am great with kids and I seem to have an endless supply of patience, but usually I am around a child for no more than several hours after which I can return the child to their parents. I never have to deal with naptimes, or bedtimes or any other cranky times that afflict young children. So yes, I can roughhouse and play and be silly with the best of them because I don’t have to deal with the issues that come from having a child incredibly wound up. Secondly, I really did not obtain this much school just to stay at home with my kids. The fact is I continued my education because I wanted to have the rewarding career. In fact, I really like what I do, and I would definitely want to continue with it.

I suppose what really got me thinking was the logistics of the SAHM. I look at the life I had as a child, and I want to give my children the same opportunities that my parents afforded me. These opportunities require more than the time we spent together. There is a certain level of security I want to provide my kids as they grow. My parents always made it known that they would pay for our college education. They felt that a college degree was an absolute requirement so they were prepared to help us financially. Now, this wasn’t to say that we wouldn’t be working or getting scholarships, but money would never be an issue. To that end, we also took a lot of classes outside of school. We took summer school classes as a means to get ahead and skip classes during the school year allowing us to take more advanced classes as they came along. We also took SAT/ACT prep classes starting fro the time we were in middle school. The importance being that doing well in school does a lot to ensure your future. As kids, we were also very well travelled. We went to Asia and Europe and all over the US on family vacations. If the vacations were short and relatively inexpensive, we’d have two vacations that year. If it was a long, exotic trip, we’d only have one vacation that year, but we’d spend more time wherever we were.

These are the things that I want to provide my kids. Yes, they’re ambitious goals, but I want to provide the basic that my parents gave me that allowed me to be the person I am today. I want my kids to have the best education available. I’ve long maintained that if we were living in a place with a bad public school system, I would send my kids to private school regardless of cost. I wouldn’t be able to do that without working. Sure there is the argument of homeschooling, but I again would be unable to do that. The purpose of education is to teach your children a broad spectrum of knowledge to prepare for their future as adults. In doing so, you’re not creating little clones but rather thoughtful people who can formulate their own views and ideals. I would be unable to teach things that I personally don’t believe in and that would be a huge disservice to my kids. I want them to go to college and I want them to be able to interact in a world where people have all sorts of different views, none of which are truly similar to mine. I want to be able to pay for college because I don’t want them to feel the financial pressure which is a leading reason for dropping out. I want to travel as a family and see the world. Not only would this be quality time spent making memories, but it is also fun and exciting to go places and see new things.

I suppose while I see the benefits of staying home to raise kids because you are the best person to do it, I don’t see how I personally would be able to. My priorities are my priorities because that was the environment in which I was raised. I commend my parents for doing such a good job and making the sacrifices they did to provide those opportunities for us. Do I wish that one parent had stayed home with us growing up? Not at all. I actually appreciate my parents more because I can see why they both worked to provide for us. I think had my mom stayed home, I wouldn’t have had as fond of memories of the family times we did spend together.